10 Reasons To Risk Manage Monogamy

Posted: Fri May 25 18:51

If you cheat or have a period of non-monogamy – such as swinging or sex workers – it doesn’t mean the relationship’s monogamy is ‘ruined’ forever. (In fact, if it only happens a couple of times in a 50 year marriage, you are probably very GOOD at monogamy!)

In the same way, a couple might also choose to have monogamous PERIODS, such as when you are in the ‘nesting’ stage or during periods of insecurity.

Sexual passion fades – even when love deepens. The average erect penis is about 15cm long. (Let’s be generous and call it 20.) And if normal sex is about a 100 thrusts, that means the average bonk is 20m long! So if a woman has sex with the same penis 3 times a week for 50 weeks a year, she’s almost had the length of a football field! And if she’s been married faithfully for 20 years, that means she’s had 60km of the same penis!

You wouldn’t want to travel up and down the same stretch of road over and over again - why would you inflict the same thing on the person you supposedly love? Sometimes all it takes is a single encounter with another person and you - and your marriage - are back in business!

Let’s face it, the celebrities and wealthy are already doing it (innovators 2.5% & early adapters 13.5%), the early & late majority (68%) want to read about it, and the laggards (16%) are busy slugging it out on Twitter and Dr Phil.

Most marriages want to be perceived as monogamous even (and sometimes especially!)  if they aren’t. Couples who have successful flings, flirtations or fantasies aren’t exactly going to put out a press release – especially since they tend to be in the ‘innovators’ group we just spoke about. That means they are usually intelligent, successful and highly secretive (at least until the paparazzi find out).

Every single person we know has been cheated on at some point in their lives, yet we STILL expect that cheating won’t happen to us. Bashing heads against brick walls becomes self-mutilation after a while. If you DO want monogamy (and that's ok) make sure you negotiate the terms.

Given infidelity is the most cited reason for divorce, we know that monogamy hasn't worked for at least fifty percent of couples. It has also been scientifically discredited in books such as ‘Sex at Dawn’, which debunks just about every modern notion of sex, including the belief that women aren’t as promiscuous as men. Monogamy CAN work, but not as often (or as well) as we'd like to believe.

Love does NOT mean that you are no longer attracted to other people. Human beings will always lust and, when combined with opportunity and abstinence, you have the makings of a tense relationship ripe for cheating. If you don't water your own garden, it will surely die.

Scientists have discovered the supposedly monogamous animals, such as starlings and love birds are rife with wanton females. Apparently, they often have affairs with genetically superior males, with up to 70% of offspring having dubious paternity.

Do you REALLY think having a quick root in the alley behind the pub with the Skank of the Day is grounds for packing bags, halving the assets and telling the kids they now only have part time parents?

Sometimes sex is just that – a combination of desire, opportunity and temporary bravado – divorce is a long term solution to what is often only a momentary lapse of reason.

As more and more couples ‘come out of the closet’ (pun intended), they will need to rewrite the rules. Unfettered by tradition, these new couplings will develop their own unique sexual boundaries and experience a more UNCONDITIONED love. This new type of love will also recognize their hardwired aspects, such as gender differences, sexuality, pathology, inherited fetishes and hormones.

Love and relationships are currently all wishful thinking and no science. If we don’t change the recipe, the end result will continue to have even chances of failure. Are you actively risk managing YOUR fidelity yet?


Posted by: David

For many of us, it would be great to get to a point where this was a problem.

Holly - Have you ever considered some of the online facilities such as Adult Matchmaker? They are great 'practice' for relationships that save face (and time!).

Posted by: Kilo

Holly it may be a little worse for some than you have said above. Point 2 you say the average bonk is 2m long, but 100 thrusts at 20cm is actually 20m. So instead of 6km of penis it is 60km!

Holly - arghh! I always was bad at math... will edit. Thanks! :)

Posted by: David

What I mean is: there are a lot of bigger problems that hurt relationships before monogamy becomes a problem. I mean financial, career, children, tiredness, sickness, arguments ... If monogamy is a big problem then I'd consider the relationship a great success.

Holly - at least if monogamy is a problem, it means it's being discussed... er... hopefully!

Posted by: Christine on Mon Jun 25 05:19

Hi, I do think this is a great web site. I stumbled upon it ;) I may come back yet again since i have saved as a favorite it. Money and freedom is the best way to change, may you be rich
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Holly - thanks Christine! Money and freedom provide options, and that's always a good thing! I'm about to send out an RSS feed link to try and make it easier for us all :)

Posted by: Lucrecia

I think, that you are mistaken. I can prove it. Write to me in PM.

Holly - I always love feedback Lucrecia - feel free to email me at info@hollyhill.net.au

Posted by: Nike Shox NZ on Wed Oct 31 02:37

Mainly because the person doesn't accept you how want them to, doesn't guarantee many get into‘s accept you of they've already.

Holly - true, but it is getting easier. Hang in there!

Posted by: Lisa

I totally hear you. Good for you for desiring a threesome. Good for you for exploring your sexuality. Good for you for expressing publicly. Good for you for being confident enough to do this. Good for you for being vulnerable' and dropping the culturally-taught male-strength' and replacing it with true strength'.Rock on.As for the issue in general, I feel I can add some clarity, see what you guys think:To me, men and woman are mirrors for each other.Two inter-twined polarities.If there is any pain being expressed by a feminine perspective, there is _guaranteed_ an equal, related pain matched in a masculine perspective.Women are tired of being hit on, creepily'; men are tired of being rejected, coldly'.Women are sick of physically abusive, bullying men; men are sick of emotionally abusive, bullying women.Women want men to give their time, attention, money; men want women to drop the entitlement.'This may be controversial, but to me:For every single cry of rape! there is an equal cry of Please God, allow me to feel some feminine love, intimacy, and support I've somehow learned that _the only way to get it_ is through physical force not developing my own authentic masuclinity. Most people talk about the gross, obvious, physical actions that are so terrible (violation, etc.), but very few talk about the drastic emotional damage and emptiness that is pervaded through out masculine culture.Focus on HEALING this emotional rift, automatically HEALS it's physical counterpart, and vice-versa.Sex is a two-way-energy. Any unease in one side is reflected and detectable in the other side.It may be unexpressed, we may be unaware, but it is there, and any over-focus on one side or the other, will exaggerate and inflame things.TLDR (too long; didn't read) Over-focus is a killer, for men or women ;)

Holly - wow - some amazing words here - thanks for sharing and caring.

Posted by: Mahbubur

slut shaming.' I don't know what to call it, but we feel it. We don't cizticrie you for it, because we [socially] can't, but we feel it. We definitely feel it. What's it feel like? It feels like a long, blunt, and dull hurt. Words like pig' and sex-obsessed' and useless' We feel nothing but love and desire for you, and we are shamed for it, and led to know that there is nothing special about us for it. It's like: another mouth to feed.' A woman's sexual desire is prized, but a man's redundant. It feels like being useless, a burden, a bother. It also makes us feel that you are not part of the sexual act or sexual desire. It makes us feel like we're being selfish when we desire you. Like: Oh, will she give me some sex? Like you aren't in this with us. Right or wrong, we identify with our desires and especially our sexual desires. They run like a lightening rod through our whole identity. And you don't care for us. Our identity is a burden, an obligation, or worse. By the social script, WE have to ask. But we know, going in, that you don't want us to, and will complain about it mercilessly. At several gathering I've gone to, women have complained and requested that hitting on' shouldn't be allowed. NIMBY. Go to a bar for that, not to the _______ club.' I feel like I my desires and my heart belong in a ghetto. Not just me men feel this way. We don't talk about it past a certain age though. We just numb.

Holly - sad words, but unfortunately they are true for many men. I hope things improve for you as the world starts to see sex as a pleasure instead of as a burden. Take care of you. xxx

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