11 Signs You're Putting Up With An Arsehole
Posted: Thu Jan 19 11:37
For, er... about a decade now, I've been joking that I can't escape partners who drink a six pack of beer and a bottle of wine every night. It's no coincidence that my late dad drank that much as well. Yet it’s taken yours truly this long to realize that co-dependency isn't a brand of aspirin.
While I'm not going to tell you which of the symptoms* below I exhibited, you only need 20% to qualify...
- 1. CARE-TAKING
- Feeling responsible for other people; over committed; harried; pressured; feeling safe when giving, but insecure when receiving.
- 2. LOW SELF WORTH
- Perfectionistic or picking on self (not intelligent / pretty / thin / athletic / good <etc> enough) and finding criticism or praise difficult to take; taking everything personally (yet thinking its deserved).
- 3. REPRESSING OWN NEEDS
- Suppressing own needs, desires, dress sense, values, beliefs, hobbies, etc, in favour of the other person’s.
- 4. OBSESSIVE OR COMPULSIVE
- Worrying people are talking (or not talking!) about them; losing sleep over little things; checking up on others; focusing on other's problems; spending money or eating / drinking compulsively.
- 5. CONTROLLING
- Controlling events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
- 6. DENIAL
- Ignoring, denying or downplaying problems, staying busy to avoid thinking about things; lying to self yet demanding absolute truth from others; leaving a healthy situation for an unhealthy situation.
- 7. DEPENDENCY
- Looking to others to supply happiness or needs; being possessive of those who provide their happiness; being needy after the ‘happiness provider’ spends time with others.
- 8. POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
- blaming, threatening, coercing, begging, bribing, and advising others; apologising for bothering people; resorting to passive aggressive coping.
- 9. POOR BOUNDARIES
- gradually increasing tolerance levels till they can tolerate most things others do; allowing others to hurt them, over and over.
- 10. LACK OF TRUST
- Not trusting themselves, their feelings, their decisions, or other people (then trusting someone who is totally untrustworthy!)
- 11. SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
- having sex when they don't want to or withdrawing sex to punish their partner; having sex at the wrong times and abstaining at the right times.
Now, I'm not going to tell you which of the following behaviours my boyfriends exhibited, but there's a village somewhere deprived of an idiot (and it wasn't my bfs!):
- * Addiction and/or compulsive behaviours
- * Narcissistic (the disorder, not the attributes below)
- * Violence and/or aggression
- * Lack of interest in the relationship
- * Self absorbed
- * Needing to be 'saved' or ‘helped’ over and over
- * Poor impulse control
- * Lack of empathy or remorse
- * Need a ‘tight rein’
The bad news is that people with such negative attributes can often only attract co-dependents.
Worse still is that without intervention, the symptoms in both partners just get worse because each ‘rewards’ the dysfunctional behaviours of the other (and don’t forget children see, children do).
The good news is that recognizing the leopard is easier than trying to change its spots. It takes a lot of work on yourself, but the result is internalized happiness independent of outside influences.
Let's face it, if we didn't change, we'd be dead. I'm just glad I finally managed to stop maintaining leopards.
*International Wellness Directory
on Sun Jan 29 15:14
Good on you Holly. How does this reflect on your earlier writings about negotiated infidelity. Most of which I guess was written leopard in hand. I have grown up in the last year too, and no longer will be feeding any leopards, however this has shifted a lot of my thinking.
Holly - If only we could change those spots! (Far easier that we change ourselves...) xxx