3 Hardcore Myths About BDSM

Posted: Sun Feb 19 18:25

There is a common misconception that sexual submissives (or bottoms) are shy, retiring types who always like to be dominated when in fact the reverse is often true. Just like those who appreciate the freedom of bondage, subs can be very controlling in the real world and it is the relinquishment of always having to be in charge that provides such pleasure. When the collar goes on or the restraints make movement impossible, the feeling of no longer being 'responsible' can bring on such relief that it can (and has) reduced many a CEO to tears.

Although research has often linked it to things like depression and survivor guilt (Schweitzer and Sevier 2000), it is also claimed to roleplay political power and coercion (Beckman 2007; Sophia, 2007) and be a much-needed tool of those who have been subjected to unsupportive or defensive environments at work or home (Gilbert and Allan 1989). 

Regardless of how it is packaged, the hole is still in control, if not more so. Unlike the office (or your local war zone), a SINGLE word (that doesn't even have to go before a committee) can instantly stop everything and have ruffled feathers attentively and gently soothed, no questions asked. If anything, the sub has more control wearing a collar or ropes than he or she ever gets from life!

So next time someone disses BDSM, or describes subs as inferior weaklings who want to be ordered around, tell them it follows that the bossed are actually bosses and who is REALLY on the end of the leash...


Posted by: David

There is a safe word, which is your point in 3. But does this really mean control? It seems like a veto; a last resort stop button. I have no experience of this. Still, it makes sense that submissives are not in control. Anyway would not having a safeword change anything? What would be the point, if submissives had control?

Holly - Subs (or bottoms) must have the ultimate control, otherwise it wouldn't be about pleasure and pain, it might be about unwilling torture.

Posted by: Sandeep

It's also worth remembering that many ssusimbives lose the power to safeword when in sub-space or just when overwhelmed. Lots of people lose the ability to judge for themselves where their limits are in that situation or are not able to form clear words (for those who regress during play). As a top I am aware that it's more important for me to stick to limits previously set (and to obtain these limits from sometimes reluctant submissives beforehand) and to observe the person I'm playing with very closely and check in verbally and to stop sooner rather than later because there is always another time, if they say afterwards they wanted to go further, but you can't take back going too far.I would encourage all submissives to have self-awareness particularly in where limits or soft spots might be and to be aware that they need to know the person they are playing with will stick to them, rather than assuming they can just use a safeword.

Holly - some excellent points from an excellent dom!

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