Posted: Sun Jul 15 15:56
Cheat v. 1. To act dishonestly to win profit or advantage 2. To trick or deceive (Oxford Dictionary)
It took an afternoon of monopoly with a cheating 10y.o to make me realize that 'cheating' is yet another term in the relationship glossary tainted by the intentions of the gender programmers. Unlike words such as 'slut' and 'whore' (which stigmatize pleasures) the word, 'cheat' downplays what is more betrayal than trickery.
1. Whether we strive for gold medals, cycling jerseys or motels in Monopoly - 'cheating' is about winning. 'Sexual betrayal' is about loss.
2. 'Cheating' gives the impression it's a game or competition - 'sexual betrayal' is about lifetime investments and families.
3. A discussion about 'cheating' between conspirators sounds much better than a discussion about how they are subjecting their spouses to 'sexual betrayal'.
4. Suspicion of 'cheating' raises self-doubts and caution, suspicion of 'sexual betrayal' raises indignation and action.
5. 'Cheating' implies the 'victim' is none-the-wiser - 'sexual betrayal' incorporates the building doubts, paranoia, self-recrimination, loss of esteem and broken psyches that often accompany major disloyalty.
Whether you consider it the ultimate betrayal or mere trickery, unpermissioned philandering involves the deliberate breaking of trust. Whether you have a closed marriage that bans pornography or open polyamory that encourages other lovers - have you risk managed your fidelity yet?
Cheating is a ridiculous term as it implies an advantage over another. Therefore by using the term someone is implying they too would like to be unfaithful hence the other person is cheating by going against the "rules" and gaining an unfair advantage.
The terms discribed in the article is more like breaking an agreement. So basically being unfaithful to what was agreed in good faith. How many times is fidelity really negotiated thou? i.e. an agreement that there will be monogamy. Very rarely imo. Most of the time a relationship/marriage is just drifted into and the roles each party plays is just assumed. It is more an unwritten code. Which is frustrating as hell to have to second guess. Another slant on this would be that: Is it not the height of arrogance to assume you can dictate what your partner can or can not do without agreeing to it first. i.e Just because you are going out with someone what then gives you the right to dictate who they can or can't associate with or control their lives. Just assuming monogamy without expressly agreeing to it is just as deceptive as any cheating.
Holly - Bravo! Well said! We MUST start formally negotiating the rules... surely it is the first step to making lifetime relationships possible.
Give him little hints here an there.EXAMPLE: Sit next to him while he waetchd T.V. and say I was watching this one show called Cheaters yesterday, and this guy got caught cheating on his Girlfriend and then his entire family shunned him How could someone actually cheat on their mate, that is horrible, don't you think, Bro? He'll end up ratting himself out.
Holly - Negotiated fidelity is aimed to stopping cheating.
Nope. He's definitely not worth the troblue. A man is only secretive with his phone when he has something to HIDE. Hitting the ignore button or having lowkey convos in the next room, is unnacceptable. He's treating you more like a side chick than his girlfriend. My advice: Drop him. A real man doesn't play these kinds of games.
Holly - everyone is entitled to their opinion.
A true friend can offer the people that overlooks ones disappointments and additionally tolerates ones success.
Holly - I've got a thing about friendship, too! They are every breath that I take :)