5 Ways To Keep Your BF

Posted: Tue Nov 08 08:26

If life hands you a lemon, you make lemonade. Genetic modification might be okay for fruit, but not for blokes. If you cast off your apron and find yourself a bit of lick, sip and suck; he will remain true to you forever.

1. Why He Likes the Whore of Babylon (and You Hate Her)
We all know that men have sex on the brain. It’s called testosterone and it’s extraordinarily powerful. It makes men late for work in the mornings, stare hungrily at the girl who looks like a skanky ho and why pornography filters are on our office computers.

Let’s face it. Monogamous men are heroes and cheating men are normal. Unless you’re a groupie for the legion of superheroes, chances are you are going to have to use your wits to prevent stumbling over his wandering eye.

2. Know His Cheating Part
Science is reasonably unanimous on the following traits:
• Males compete with other males for female attention
• His greatest biological drive is selection by females for the reproduction of his genes
• There is a strong need to display and provide for females and ensure offspring are safe
• Well adorned (and endowed!) males are desired by females and envied by his friends

3. Understand Your Bleeding Heart
And what about the nurture of women? What are our expectations of relationships?
• It’s okay to cross our legs for weeks at a time if we’re ‘not in the mood’.
• If they love us, they wouldn’t want to even look at another woman (yet alone cheat)!
• We are no longer animals – men should be able to control their urges.
• It’s okay to stop the diet, waxing, make–up, hair–dos and tight fitting clothes because we’re married/de facto/mothers/in love.

4. Unchain Your Inner Tart
Every woman has an inner huntress. She is the person inside us that constantly compares, contrasts, seeks and finds. We see examples of skilled huntresses every day – the woman with the short skirt and high heels who men fall over themselves to open doors for or the immaculate female work colleague who somehow manages to get a pay rise during the global financial meltdown.
Women have traditionally quashed their instinctive feminine sensuality to make the men in our lives feel ‘safe’. But our greatest danger lies in their increased sense of security.

5. Create A Fresh Start
Project your inner huntress and negotiate your fidelity with him. It doesn’t have to be sex with other people – pornography or flirting might suffice – the important thing is to let a smidge of competition into the relationship (and a smudge if you can).

The worst thing you can do is be too available. The instant you dedicate yourself – and your time – to him exclusively is the instant you become less valued. If you are sitting at home watching the dinner burn while he’s out with his mates you are not going to win yourself any of his favours. In fact, it’s quite likely all you’ll achieve is a hissy fit or an offer of booty call to someone who isn’t you.

Instead, be popular - if you’re suddenly not-so-available; he’s suddenly going to take more interest.
Above all, use those biological traits of his to work for you rather than against you. Make him think you’re popular and desirable. Consider him the world’s greatest lover (or at least better than 20 minutes on an exercise bike at the gym) and lick those blue balls, don’t laugh at them. Be an adornment – not something he’s ashamed to be seen with– and let him know what a great provider he is.

Loosen the reins a bit. A drunken pash with his secretary has got everything to do with getting his dick wet and nothing to do with you. (Better still, it means you get to kiss the gorgeous Brazilian man at the pub while the BF looks on helplessly.)

If you let yourselves out of your cages, you won’t feel the need to escape. As long as you are not completely his, he will covet you forever.

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