When Sexual Denial is Not Ok

Posted: Thu Dec 01 09:17

1. PEOPLE HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO HAVE SEX AS THEY HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO HAVE SEX
Some people suffer loss of libido or diseases or conditions that are not conducive to regular sex. However,  it doesn't mean that the people who love them should be deprived of their needs as well.
Would a paraplegic insist their partner get in a wheelchair? Would an obese person on a strict diet deny chocolate to their children? Why would someone who can't have sex insist their partner can't have it either?

2. LOVE IS ABOUT MEETING NEEDS, NOT REPRESSING URGES
Negotiated Fidelity is about meeting the needs of the person we love. It is about turning to your partner and asking, "are you getting enough, darling?". Sometimes the answer will be "yes" (but they will be pleased you asked) and sometimes the answer will be "no" (and they'll be relieved you asked!) In the case of a "no", discuss alternatives - they might include porn, masturbation or a night a strip club. Whatever you decide, consider it as risk management against cheating, unhappiness and divorce.

3. LONG TERM SEXUAL DENIAL IS TORTURE
Blue balls aren't just toys. They exist in both men and women and get their name from the way blood vessels look when they're engorged. Some people - and especially men - need regular sexual release or they will become irritable, restless and stressed. Do you really want to inflict that on your spouse for months at a time?

4. CONSTANT SEXUAL REJECTION IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE
No-one likes being rejected. Imagine being rejected by the love of your life over and over again. Imagine looking in the mirror and thinking, 'maybe I'm too fat, maybe I'm too dumb, why don't they want me?' Our sexual identity is linked to our self esteem - whether done consciously or not, repeatededly saying 'I don't want you' is not only damaging to their psyche, it also consitutes abuse.

If you cannot have sex with your partner for an extended period of time, TALK TO THEM. They may not want an alternative, but the asking might just be the kindest thing you ever did.


Comments

Posted by: Jacie on Wed Jun 08 22:54

With the bases loaded you struck us out with that answer!

Holly - I wanted to hold onto my wishful thinking as much as any woman who believes in lifelong monogamy... perhaps I am just a realist rather than an idealist.

Posted by: tabitha

Would it hurt to simply apologize for your comments? We don't choice to have endometrosis. Why should me suffer more by allowing our spouses to cheat on us. It's women like you that makes it so hard to keep a husband.

Holly - I suggest you go to Nova 96.9 (30.11.11). The original quote was "Why should being with someone for the rest of your life be about crossing your legs and controlling urges? There's times in people's lives when they don't want to go into the bedroom, like if a lady has a baby or if she has endometriosis or if a man has a particularly stressful job. So if your partner is not 'in the mood' - why on earth shouldn't the other person be able to still engage in those types of behaviours?”
I'm about risk management and the prevention of cheating.

Posted by: Jennifer

I understand this point of view, but there is more to sex in a committed relationship. And there are other ways of meeting 'their needs'

Holly - so true, I often say we need to include in our 'tool kit' more of things such as porn and masturbation (which are, after all, the ultimate in safe sex!)

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